WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE- MORE IS LESS

We humans pride ourselves on being (one of the) only species to be capable of love and other higher emotions. We often use our capacity for romantic or unconditional love as an argument that proves our superiority. ‘Love makes the world go round’ and all that jazz. One would think that a race that has been given such a unique gift, the ability to feel love, we might be a little less afraid and more grateful for it. I guess not.

I recently chanced upon a Thought Catalog article ‘Date a man who loves you more’. It was well written no doubt, but the fundamental thought behind left a sense of disquiet in me. It advocated spending your life with someone who loves you more than you love them, which not only means that someone loves you for all your flaws, but will also ensure that you have a stable and easy life (if not a passionate one). What I say further is in no way a reply to that article (God bless the writer and the person she’s taking all that extra love from). Actually long back, I had read the quote ‘Don’t marry the person you love, marry the person who loves you’, and though it seems like sturdy advice for an assuredly good life, I remember feeling that same disquiet even then.

What’s wrong with being with someone who loves you more, you might ask. Nothing of course. Being the object of affection for anyone is a great privilege, not to mention a huge ego boost. Someone loving you more means that you never have to change for anyone, as the person will think that you are God’s most perfect creation even when you yell at them to get them some soup as you noisily expel your snot. In sickness and in health...remember? Marrying (or co-habiting with, no judgement) assures you that you will always have someone to hold you, listen to you, share your dreams and fears with, watch sappy movies with and contentedly grow old with. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Except, it’s just too…convenient.

Because deny it all you want, for all our talks of adventure and thrill, we are a pretty boring bunch of people with mundane lives. More often than not, our bucket list remains in the bathroom (heh, heh) and we live out our lives vicariously on Pinterest boards and bookmarked travel websites. We take up safe jobs to ensure a monthly income and wait for the weekend to vent out the pile up frustration and have enough semblance of fun to survive the next week. All in the hopes of living a stable, cushioned life with minimum unpleasant surprises. Doesn’t it bother anyone that we club a thing as love with all these other mundane things, without a thought for what it does to our lives?

If love is what makes us humans capable of great feats that draw superhuman strength from a mysterious reservoir when the need comes, shouldn’t it be the thing that exalts us, makes us feel more than mindless beings on an aimless journey, and to make it simpler, feel alive?

And that is what being with someone who loves us more takes away from us. It barters the limitless potential that is tapped in love with a safe, assured and staid life. If being in love is a free fall, why do you want the rope of a guaranteed relationship tying you down?

When it comes to all other kinds of love- be it parental, love between friends or even towards your pets, we compete and argue about who loves the other more. Why is it that when it comes to ‘romantic’ love, we settle for someone doing additional loving that they’re not getting back? I reckon that it’s all a power game, after all, isn’t it said that the person who loves more always holds lesser power in the relationship? A relationship that dangles the sword of helpless love over you all the time is not much of a relationship to begin with. And at the lowest common denominator, isn’t it a HUMONGOUS blow to our self esteem that we hope to spend a lifetime on someone else’s charitable love without doing our part? And how is it fair to the other person to not experience what it is like to get more love than they can fathom? Split restaurant bills down to the middle all you want, that alone does not constitute true equality.

P.S.- If I'm being snarky, I'd say that most of us have done nothing for the Universe to owe us this kind of abundance, of delivering a love-loaded significant other at our listless doorsteps)

Love, in its best form, gives you courage, so why do people run away from the ultimate power that comes from feeling inhumanly protective towards the one you love? Loving someone more makes you challenge yourself every day, and be a better person at each turn, not because you want to be worthy of the other person, but because you won’t accept anything lesser for yourself. Love opens up your eyes to new possibilities of adventure and laughter; please don’t let them wither away for the practicality of having someone to share monthly expenses with. True love means never getting complacent and comfortable with our imperfect selves, and growing stronger and wiser together, because that is what this emotion demands of us. What’s the point of just getting old hand in hand if you have nothing to show for all those years?

Mediocre movies follow the same formula- Be confused about your true love, flirt with the risky proposition and in the end, tie your apron strings to the person who is crazy as a cuckoo about you (Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, I’m looking at you with all of Ajay Devgan’s bravado in the when faced with the wrong end of the gun). And that has become our idea of ‘Happily Ever After’- a life of conjugal bliss after the tiring merry go round that is find-a-hapless-soul-who’ll-have-me.

I don’t mean to say domesticity or a guarantee of forever love is bad. Just that this should not come at the cost of real, devastating and undiluted love that doesn’t whip out a calculator to measure which party has doled out more love. I know it’s human nature to want more than we pay for, but love is not a sabzi mandi, where you bully the poor vendor into giving you more lemons or coriander than you paid for.(It’s OK, we’ve all done it). I also know that it’s scary to give someone more of yourself when there is a distinct possibility of all of it blowing up in your face and giving you serious trust issues.  But all I’d like to say is that when the blessed time comes for you to say ‘I Love You’, don’t let there be a silent asterisk which says-

*Less than you love me

Be the bigger person and give all that you have without getting your weighing scales out. There is the slight selfish hope that all of it will come around and make your life rosier (is that a word?) but it can be done simply for the fact that when you do this, you’ll love yourself more than you ever have too. And that, in my book, is a bargain worth striving for.

11 things that I learnt at the beach

I’ve been trying to start writing again on the blog that I earnestly started over a year ago, but failed to come up with any subject strong enough to make me stop checking my phone every five minutes and actually get down to writing. I also went to Andaman on a much needed vacation recently, and what better way to resuscitate your blog than to humble-brag about your beach vacation?

In between standing with my feet in the water and splashing my friends, I realized some new (and not so new) things at the beach, and am now dutifully listing them down. This post talks about beaches, is made up of a list (so is everything else on the Internet right now) and has a bit of self-realization thrown in. Now if only I could work some cats into this post, it would be sure-fire viral material. Too bad cats hate water and wouldn't come anywhere near a beach. Sigh.

1.        Beaches are awesome!

Didn’t I say I learnt some not so new things? This is the first. Well, I know some of us aren’t water people, whatever that’s supposed to mean. But I’m yet to see a person who gets sad or angry whenever they see a spectacular beach. It’s even more difficult to be depressed when you see small kids building sand castles (and you ‘accidentally’ walk over them). Another beach ritual is to be mock angry when someone dunks you in water, all while having the time of your life. Turns out, the people who turned natural phenomena like sand and waves and salty water into a billion dollar tourism industry knew what they were doing, and any money spent to get closer to the beach is money well spent.

2.       It doesn’t matter what you look like, as long as you’re having fun

You know what the magazine centre spreads with models looking stunning on a beach do? THEY LIE. If you behave at the beach like you’re supposed to, you can’t look well turned out for too long. It’s very difficult to look good while covered in sand with your wet hair plastered across your face, but going ahead and looking that way is a great way to get rid of your vanity. Because when you’re having enough fun, it ceases to matter. Yes, it may come in your way if you look like a red faced Uakari while trying to catch the eye of that buff foreigner, but a happy face is any day more stare worthy than a grumpy good looking one. Trust me.

3.       Put away your camera

This is a corollary of the above point. You know how we’ve been blasted with the phrase ‘It’s not about the number of breaths in your life, it’s about the moments that take your breath away’? Well I’ve made a new one- ‘It’s not about how many beautiful photographs you take, it’s about having such a good time that you forget to take photos’. Yes, chronicling your super amazing life, and especially your expensive vacation may seem like a good idea, but you’re never going to go back and see most of the photos that you click anyway. At best, these pictures will spend the rest of their days attention-whoring in a Facebook album called ‘SuN, sAnd & sUrF’. So don’t be afraid to get wet just because you have a camera in your hand. Toss that camera aside, I’m sure it will make a soft landing on the sand. Really look at the place you’re in, and get soaked in the beauty of a new place. If it’s important enough, your brain will remember it without a watered down virtual copy.

4.       It’s OK to let go of control sometimes.

Waves are arguably the best part about beaches. But if you notice, they also tend to have a mind of their own. At times when I didn't want my clothes to get wet, I've actually specified the length of my shorts to the sea OUT LOUD and asked the waves not to get higher than that. Ummm...did I say I did that? I meant my friend. Anyway, that obviously didn't happen and the waves crashed into the beach without worrying about a puny human’s sartorial problems. Once you get in, the water tumbles you around like a washing machine and destroys your attempts at looking halfway graceful, and that’s when it hits you- go with the flow! Stop trying to control the water, or anything else. Just tweak your reactions to the ebb and flow, and who knows, one day you’ll be the one riding the (metaphorical) waves confidently.

5.       Waves can also teach you a lot.

Speaking of waves, I realized that there is a lot to be learnt from them. They certainly look beautiful, the surf looking like a million white centipedes rushing towards the beach just for you. But they also tell you that no matter what, it’s very important to keep doing your job, to persevere. Regardless of whether anyone’s watching, regardless of whether you end up on a powdery soft beach or on jagged rocks, you just have to keep doing what you have to. Observe. When a wave has had its time in the sun (on the beach actually) it rushes back to the sea. In the process, it also sometimes pulls down a new wave excitedly rushing towards the shore. Chances are, you and I will meet such people in your life too, but when I do, I’ll think of the waves and get back to work.

6.       Crabs are inspiration, not food

I know being a vegetarian and half a Cancerian has probably clouded my vision, but I think crabs are brilliant creatures that should be looked at, and not just when they’re on your dinner table doused in garlic butter. Sit down on the beach and take a look at them. They can be colourful or camouflaged by the sand and difficult to spot, but it’ll be worth it. They go about their business, ignorant of the flock of tourists encroaching on their space. Crabs always walk sideways, going back and forth till they get what they want. They will tease the edge of water, but will not get pulled in by the waves unless they want to. And once they find something they like, they grab hold with their pincers and never let go. If only more people learnt something from crabs than the taste of their meat.

7.       Couples are like crabs.

Phoebe from FRIENDS taught us that lovers are like lobsters. Wrong. Truth is, lovers, especially those on their honeymoon, are like crabs. They will spot you, give you sideways glances and sneak up on you, before finally pouncing on you with ‘Can you click a photo of us’? I have met enough such bashful couples to know that in a few years, ‘Honeymoon photo clickers’ will be a real career (Remember you heard it here first). You just have to be discreet, ever vigilant not to miss a moment, and have a stomach that can stand PDA. So when you go to the beach, remember to stock up on your good karma by being a capturer of young love. I have.

8.       Sunscreen is a waste of money

And I have the burnt skin to show for it. No matter how much SPF and UVA and UVB protection it contains, your sunscreen is no match for the sun and salty water. One dunk in the ocean and all the promises of your sunscreen being waterproof are washed away (pun intended). So put the time you waste slathering sunscreen to better use, and embrace the tan that a day out will give you. I don’t know what’s not to love about a little colour anyway. A tan is like a hickey from the sun, proof that you had a good time with a star- so it’s best to show it off. Until your skin starts peeling off like a snake’s, that is.

9.       Beaches are the best solutions for your inhibitions.

There is a reason why there are topless and nude beaches and not nude desert and jungle safaris. There is something about the setting that makes people get rid of their inhibitions. Whether it is the babe in the bikini tanning herself on the sand, or the portly uncle who weighs down the waves in just a pair of shorts, beaches and hesitation don’t mix. Even conservative ladies in salwar kameezes gigglingly dare to pull up their salwars after some encouragement, something that they wouldn’t dream of doing anywhere else.

10.   Also, your hang ups don’t stand a chance.

Germophobes and OCD people, beaches are no place for you. Even if you have a lot of hang ups about everything else in life, the ocean cares two hoots about what’s acceptable to you and what’s not. I’m  a carrier of enough hang ups to know about this stuff. You can drink all the mineral water you want, but a little sea water of questionable origin and composition is going to sneak into your mouth anyway. There’s nothing you can do about it. And after you get sand EVERYWHERE, all your insistence on a hot water tub will melt away as you gladly rush towards a cold shower.

P.S. – The humble hotel soap that we look down upon is actually not quite so bad, when your fancy gel douche decides to actually act like a douche bag and not lather up.

11.   Company matters

This one is true for everywhere in the world, but especially on the beach. It is great to have fun in the sand with beach junkies, but looking at your not-so-water-friendly companion test the shallow waters (literally) is priceless. With the right people, any place can turn into a party in no time, and the bonds formed on a beach are forever. And above all, it is necessary to enjoy your own company when you sit alone in the sand after the fun is had, and not feel lonely when you have only the sand and the sound of waves for company. This is what you will take back from the beach, along with pocketfuls of the sneaky sand that is impossible to get rid of, which will keep reminding you of the ocean when you’re back home.

Y-E-S..It's that easy!

(Disclaimer: This post is not inspired by the movie 'Yes Man'. I have never watched the movie, though I love Jim Carrey.)

That we live in a man-eat-dog-eat-anything-that-stands-in-its-way world is beyond obvious. This fact had been established in the early 2000’s and we are currently in the third generation of devising coping mechanisms to survive and not get eaten by this world, I think. Stopping and smelling the roses is so 19^th Century. Thinking about what you would make of your life on your deathbed is obsolete too, not to mention too morbid to think about when you’re healthy, happy and in your 20’s. So that strategy goes out the window for most of us. The strategy that has gained currency and maintained its charm is ‘Learn to say NO’. Say no to unnecessary work. Refuse that oh-so-tempting bribe being offered to you. Say No to the Megan Fox look-alike that’s been staring at you across the table, for fear of being rejected. Say No to the extra pastry that you want to pop in to your mouth at the party. Look the other way when a beautiful outfit stares at you from the mall display, you’ve already gone overboard with your budget. And above all, say No to yourself whenever you set your eyes on something you know your heart desires, because by all accepted standards, it is unattainable.

We have been raised to think that denying things to ourselves, living without them, letting go of things we want, is the way to build character. The more things we deny, the more resilient we become. The more worldly wise. The more survival worthy. Sure, throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store for a Buzz Lightyear toy and still not getting it does teach a child important lessons about patience and earning you’re your place in the world. But you can’t be a 5 year old coveting a toy forever. There is a time to build character and a time to build your future. After all, you can’t be in school and learn life lessons forever.

Saying no is a way to get the trash out of your life. On the other hand, saying yes is a way to enhance and landscape your life better. How many times have we silenced the voice in our head that goes ‘YES!’ and gone for a more seemingly pragmatic, ‘No, Thanks’ ?

This example might seem a little far-fetched but Barack Obama based his entire last Presidential campaign on just 3 words, ‘Yes, we can! The power of these 3 words fuelled his race to the Presidential post. ’ (That he’s still struggling for a war cry this time is an entirely different matter). If the power of yes can make a person the most powerful man on earth, think of the abundant changes that it can make to our comparatively easier lives.

Think about it. Replace every No that has been said in your life to a Yes. Maybe your parents yelled NO at you so many times, the first words out of your tiny pink mouth were not a tear jerking ‘Mamma’ or ‘Dadda’ but a ‘No’. Any time you wanted to pull your elder sister’s hair, the response was resounding ‘No!’, often in chorus from both your parents. Change that to a Yes and you have a very happy you and a screaming sister, maybe with a bald spot. Not a bad scenario when you’re 3 years old.

The time when you are in school and were not allowed to attend singing lessons because you were a boy or basketball practice as you were a girl. I’m not saying that you would’ve been a world-class singer performing at the Albert Hall (Why not, though?) or a female Michael Jordan, but a yes could have given a precious boost to your interest at the time.

That time just after your board exams when you really want to go for Arts, because you know in your heart that Shakespeare’s writings or movie Godfather inspire you more than the dissected innards of a frog ever will, but your father ticks the Science section because it is more respectable. If you could say ‘Yes’ to yourself at the time, you could be penning a book or a script instead of poring over other people’s literature in your free time.

The scenarios are endless, the possibilities boundless. You don’t notice the gregarious girl at college stealing glances at you because your friends say she’s out of your league. You internalize the No that your friends convince you about and never allow yourself to take the plunge. Why? Because sacrifice is the bedrock of character remember? But sometimes, it is worth it to say yes to the potential injury that your self esteem might suffer and go for it.

Saying yes in the professional environment is considered hara-kiri by most people. Saying yes burdens you with work that other people say no to, makes people take you for granted, and generally just walk all over you. But go right ahead and give yourself the chance to say yes. More work never killed anyone (though some people never take the risk) and the more you work, the more you get ahead of all your colleagues who are busy shaking their heads to new work and new opportunities.  Make your boss say yes to the earth shattering new idea that you’ve gotten while contemplating in the shower. If it works, that means a new found respect and a bonus pat on the back for you. If it doesn’t, well, you can file it under Research and Development and dust your hands off it. Easy peasy.

Everyone who has read ‘The Secret’ or watched ‘The Secret laws of attraction’ knows that the Universe gives you what you ask for it. Demand happiness from it and you get it back. Demand love and success and it answers your call. Similarly, say Yes to the Universe’s scheme of things and you will find that the Universe smiles and says yes right back at you. Ok ok, I get it. You don’t believe in destiny and the Universal Plan. Even if you have a scientific bent of mind, you have to believe in energy. You are made of it, so you can’t disagree, can you? So even with your scientific bent of mind, you have to agree that like matter attracts each other. That is why water doesn’t go bonding with oil, lions don’t go out making herds with sheep and the gang of beautiful girls at your college doesn’t go around talking to the guys in the science lab. Basic nature I tell you. In exactly the same way, positive energy is attracted to more positive energy. So the more you say yes to yourself, the more the Universe looks at you and goes ‘Here’s a positive likeable fellow. Let’s shoot him with a few more good things’. Can’t hurt to try it out then.

Then there’s the case of love. You’ve said yes to the music lessons, your boss loves you and the Universe is conspiring to give you all good things and more. But what will you do with destiny’s bounty is you don’t have anyone to share it with? So the most important yes that you will ever say is the Yes to love. Stop eyeing the hot girl at the café and imagining she will say ‘Yes, yes, oh yes’ repeatedly. That was not where I was going. That is where you hope all this eventually leads to but that’s not the entire point. Give yourself a chance to say yes to your parents’ love, even if they didn’t buy you the Buzz Lightyear toy when you were 5. Hehe. Allow them to love you and more importantly, allow yourself to love them even when you grow up and public displays of affection to your parents are considered uncool. Allow them to have a say in your life. Even if they don’t know how the latest smart phone works, they still have more experience than you ever could. Answer in the affirmative when your sibling wishes to spend time with you, even if it is at the cost of watching a match or hanging out with your friends. Do it even if your scars remind you that they have scratched at you till you bled when you were kids.

Say yes to rescuing a cat or a puppy, even though you might not like animals or the animal is stuck in a gutter. All you need to do is wash off your hands afterwards. Say yes to giving out a coin to a blind beggar in the train, even if the papers say he’s probable richer than you. It’s not for him, it’s good for you.

Now back to the hot girl at the café. Say yes to flirting with her. She might be the one you’re looking for. And when you realize it, say yes to spending a lifetime with her, regardless of your commitment phobia or the belief that a better model is right around the corner. But if she’s not, say yes to honesty and let her down with dignity. You owe it to her and also to yourself. (Girls, interchange the gender denoting pronouns)

To employ a shamefully horrendous cliché, Yes and No are two sides of the same coin. When you say yes to honesty, you say no to greed and bribery. When you say yes to courage, you say no to injustice and cowardice. And when you say Yes to yourself, you say no to all the forces that have been holding you back forever. It’s just about making a choice honest to yourself, even at the risk of being wrong sometimes. So go ahead and give yourself a chance to say yes. You’ll be happier for it when you’re on that death bed :]