Katrina Kaif! Or rather the character she plays- Harleen. I
can hear some voices of protest already, contesting how I can choose the
Harmless Harleen over decidedly more annoying portions like the lack of story,
script, screenplay and the massacre that paves the way to glitzy hollow cinema with
the blood and guts of logic. Yes, I agree with all the above, but I’m sticking
to my guns. Miss Harleen from Bank of Shimla is infinitely more grating than all
the other factors combined. Allow me to convince you.
Much needed disclaimer: I’m no Taran Adarsh, so I’m not
writing derogatory things about Bang Bang because my bank account has been
fattened by notable rivals in the same genre- Jai Ho, Kick and Holiday. Nor is
it out of love and righteous anger on the part of the other release, Haider
(though I do want to smell and nuzzle Tabu’s hair for what she did on screen).
I’m no Shobha De either, whose pension comes from the sole occupation
of tearing down the Female Flavour of the Week in Bollywood, and getting chewed
to bits and being reminded of her fossilized status in return.
My sole reason for writing this is the sheer number of WTFs
I uttered while watching the movie, because no amount of cinematic liberty can justify
the mockery shown on screen. If you haven’t watched the movie, then SPOILER
ALERT! but since it has crossed the 100 crore mark, I’m sure most of you know
what I’m talking about.
*Cue rant* Bollywood is not known for crediting its leading
ladies with a lot of sense or strength of character, where Sonakshi Sinha- the
collective bad boy arm candy of Bollywood is Exhibit A, and Kareena Kapoor- the
actress who has absolutely no contribution in 100 crore films is Exhibit B. But
even by these standards, Harleen is the rock bottom of vapidity. She works as a
receptionist in Bank of Shimla, brings coffee for all her colleagues while
simultaneously fending off borderline pedophilic moves from her pervert
grandma. All this while, she dreams of quitting it all and travelling the
world, which is very effectively shown with one scene where she looks at a
scenic slideshow during office hours.
Enter Hrithik Roshan, a suave international criminal whose focus
towards his mission drowns in a flood of hormones as soon as he sees small town
Harleen, who is incidentally dressed in a red dress that inches dangerously
close to a wardrobe malfunction with every dance move. Seriously? Was she given
a Duryodhan type Kavach which protects her thighs from the Shimla cold when the
rest of them are covered in thermals?
Anyway, one dance later, Harleen is head over heels in love
with the person who uttered literally one sentence about how she should seize
the day and not wait for the ‘Ek Din’. Crap-e Diem. And that’s where my problem
lies. Let’s be honest here. If Rajveer (Hrithik’s character) looked like a real
criminal, say Arun Gawli, would she have trusted him and let him abduct her without
knowing his intentions?
Harleen is portrayed as a desperate, single young woman who is
waiting for her knight to sweep her off her feet and take her to expensive
foreign locations. But the level of naïveté is not only nauseating, it also tells
girls that it is good to pause your life for someone else to fulfill your
dreams, and if the bloke is a good looking one, look no further! She is from
the crop of girls who went Awww! on seeing Ajmal Kasab’s grainy picture in the
papers and thought that his death was a waste of cuteness, not paying attention
to the fact that he would have wiped off their entire family tree if given a
chance. (True story)
I know Hrithik’s Rajveer looks so devastatingly good that he
could club a baby seal in Shimla’s alabaster snow or star in a crush porn video
and still be desirable. On that note, DO NOT Google crush porn unless you want
to forego your appetite and your faith in humanity. But the guy drugs her, takes
her to unknown places, changes her clothes, lies to her and throws her off high
ledges, without even so much as a ‘May I?’ And all Harleen does is gawk at his
bare body like it’s the key to solving world hunger.
On the other hand, when the creepy new VP of the bank hits
on her upfront like most self respecting hot blooded Indian males do, she runs
away like Siddharth Anand runs away from good sense. Why? Because he wears
uncleji clothes that don’t have a gazillion abs underneath? Right then.
Hrithik Roshan is not to blame in this mess. It’s not really
his fault if the poor guy has to play Krrish in every movie that he stars in.
He can jump off cliffs blindly and we have to believe that he landed safely, because
‘Hum Sab Main Krrish Hai’. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. deploying flares in
every movie, be it Due Date or The Judge, just because he is Iron Man. Rajveer
can also be forgiven for tossing the Kohinoor diamond around like it’s totally
not one of the most precious things in the world, for we can never know the
ways of superheroes. Seriously Hrithik, some men in India treat their Kohinoor
condoms better than you treat the *actual* Kohinoor. Just saying.
Aaaaanyway, Harleen spends all of this time waking up in
strange places, getting dressed up in the latest designer togs, and wait for
it- dreaming of a romantic song in Santorini when she already on a free trip to
blessed Prague. Gold digging 101. When she gets time off from taking in the
gorgeous locales of Hrithik’s torso, she mouths lines like ‘Tum kaun ho, kya
karte ho’ at least thrice, while making no attempt to get away from the man
that she knows zilch about.
But the biggest throw-your-popcorn-and-coke-at-the-screen annoyance
comes during the climax, when Harleen tipsily seeks validation from Rajveer
while under the influence of the truth serum. Which Danny has already said causes
no other effect than speaking the truth. While he is trying to save their lives
from bad guys and complete a mission of national importance, no less. She
whines on and on about how she is unattractive and boring and that’s why Rajveer
didn’t pull a move on her, all while they’re being chased by gun toting henchmen.
Even when she finally picks up a gun and fires (I’m sure the director went- ‘Ye
to money shot hai boss!’ for the scene), it is after Rajveer reassures her of being
sexy and desirable and….. *snore*
I’m no feminazi, but seeing a character with such dire need
of outside validation and a ‘princess stuck in a tower waiting to be rescued’
attitude is just shunting us right back to the Dark Ages. And Harleen’s
fixation with Rajveer’s looks and daredevilry is the final nail in the coffin
of the good guys trying to claim some girls back from the bad boys. This
character effectively nullifies all the attempts in recent times, however
modest, to bring female characters in the forefront on screen. God forbid if girls
dream of being Harleen, the way every girl mouthed ‘Main apni favorite hoon!’
after Jab We Met released.
It’s not like such girls don’t have happy lives, but I would
have liked more of a badass female character in mainstream cinema, not one who
is a certified parasite for her happiness. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m mistaken
to expect such things from a director who names the house in the movie ‘Ghar’. Just
one final question to Siddharth Anand and Katrina. Does Harmless Harleen’s happy ending include a dog named ‘Kutta’ and a
cute baby called ‘Baccha’?
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