Isn’t it Obvious how proud I am?

People who have very kindly read my blog know that most of my blog posts are sarcastic/ funny/ borderline preachy or most likely a combination of both. But this night is different. Today I want to write about a friend who I am very proud of. You see, this friend is turning producer and I couldn’t be happier. No, I’m not talking about Shahrukh Khan and Happy New Year (though I’m terribly excited to see him burn hundreds of crores on screen)

The friend I’m talking about is Prajakta, naam to suna hi hoga. Actually you wouldn’t have heard of her because she’s still a student in the US and is turning producer for her student thesis film. Though we don’t go too long way back, what we lack in duration we made up for in quality. She is my late night chat friend, cheap jokes partner, and obviously, the mother of my fictional child (long story)

When she came to India the last time, she told me about a real life incident that happened with her, which she planned to make into a movie. And now she is actually doing it, coming down to India with her crew and shooting the movie. And I’m genuinely amazed at the kind of responsibility she’s showing, carrying a film (short though it may be) on her shoulders.

The story was one of the more intriguing ones that I’d heard in some time, and not the least because the protagonist is a journalist. It deals with the journalist finding an abandoned baby in an alleyway, and how her choices follow her for life. Most of us have never come across an abandoned baby, so I’d be lying if I said that I identify with the story. But most of us HAVE had to live with the repercussions of our decisions just like Keira, the protagonist, which is why the story strikes a universal chord. The film is called ‘The Obvious’ for reasons that are not so obvious, so let’s not get into that.

What’s more interesting is how easily her classmates agreed to come to India for this project, despite all of them being India virgins. But according to Prajakta, they all understand this seemingly alien culture very well, and also helped her develop the story, set completely in Mumbai. ‘Obvious’ly, they are getting lessons in Hindi (unfortunately no cuss words), which will help them navigate the crazy world of Mumbai.

When I spoke to the very enthusiastic crew over mail, they all showed tremendous faith in the subject and a will to make the best product out of the story. The director, Omar Moujaes, who hails from Lebanon, is working very hard to get the location and characterization absolutely spot on, but as a Mumbaikar I can promise that the city will throw up some surprises for the team for sure!

I have a sneaky feeling that most of the crew wants to come to India only for the spicy food, culture and of course GOA! And the first AD-Katie did confess that she would like to check out the beaches of Goa while she’s here.

You might think about why I’m writing about this student film with a team full of young aspiring filmmakers from different countries. You might even have a sneaking suspicion that I’m shamelessly trying to plug this project. In which case, let me clear all your doubts and tell you that yes, I AM plugging this project because it needs YOU. Prajakta and her team have big plans for the film. They want to mount it on a big scale, take it to film festivals and showcase Mumbai and tell one of the million stories that the city sees every day. But all of this comes at a cost. Flying the whole team down, setting them up here, hiring equipment and actors-all of this will take, you guessed it, quite a sizeable amount of money. Prajakta and her team being students, it’s quite difficult for them to raise the money that would be required to cover all the production costs. *cue a heart breaking story about a brave desi girl going to foreign lands and trying to make her dream come true against all odds like the horrible exchange rate and expensive cameras for hire* You wouldn’t let some money get in the way of a person’s dreams right? Right?

If the movie could be made with only good intentions and perseverance, I’m sure these filmmakers wouldn’t have needed any help. Sadly that’s not the case, and they need people to come forward to donate money so that this story sees the light of the day. There will be a link for all the good Samaritans to send their money and blessings (again in the form of money) about which I will post an update soon.

So people who love movies, Mumbai and the idea of foreign people coming to our city, do open your hearts and help ‘The Obvious’ team. Your name will not only be credited and seen at all the film festivals, but who knows, when people in the crew become hotshot Hollywood entities, you’ll know that you’ve had a small part in their success.

The choice is obvious. Will you make it?

AND THE MOST ANNOYING PART OF BANG BANG IS….

Katrina Kaif! Or rather the character she plays- Harleen. I can hear some voices of protest already, contesting how I can choose the Harmless Harleen over decidedly more annoying portions like the lack of story, script, screenplay and the massacre that paves the way to glitzy hollow cinema with the blood and guts of logic. Yes, I agree with all the above, but I’m sticking to my guns. Miss Harleen from Bank of Shimla is infinitely more grating than all the other factors combined. Allow me to convince you.

Much needed disclaimer: I’m no Taran Adarsh, so I’m not writing derogatory things about Bang Bang because my bank account has been fattened by notable rivals in the same genre- Jai Ho, Kick and Holiday. Nor is it out of love and righteous anger on the part of the other release, Haider (though I do want to smell and nuzzle Tabu’s hair for what she did on screen).

I’m no Shobha De either, whose pension comes from the sole occupation of tearing down the Female Flavour of the Week in Bollywood, and getting chewed to bits and being reminded of her fossilized status in return.

My sole reason for writing this is the sheer number of WTFs I uttered while watching the movie, because no amount of cinematic liberty can justify the mockery shown on screen. If you haven’t watched the movie, then SPOILER ALERT! but since it has crossed the 100 crore mark, I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about.

*Cue rant* Bollywood is not known for crediting its leading ladies with a lot of sense or strength of character, where Sonakshi Sinha- the collective bad boy arm candy of Bollywood is Exhibit A, and Kareena Kapoor- the actress who has absolutely no contribution in 100 crore films is Exhibit B. But even by these standards, Harleen is the rock bottom of vapidity. She works as a receptionist in Bank of Shimla, brings coffee for all her colleagues while simultaneously fending off borderline pedophilic moves from her pervert grandma. All this while, she dreams of quitting it all and travelling the world, which is very effectively shown with one scene where she looks at a scenic slideshow during office hours.

Enter Hrithik Roshan, a suave international criminal whose focus towards his mission drowns in a flood of hormones as soon as he sees small town Harleen, who is incidentally dressed in a red dress that inches dangerously close to a wardrobe malfunction with every dance move. Seriously? Was she given a Duryodhan type Kavach which protects her thighs from the Shimla cold when the rest of them are covered in thermals?

Anyway, one dance later, Harleen is head over heels in love with the person who uttered literally one sentence about how she should seize the day and not wait for the ‘Ek Din’. Crap-e Diem. And that’s where my problem lies. Let’s be honest here. If Rajveer (Hrithik’s character) looked like a real criminal, say Arun Gawli, would she have trusted him and let him abduct her without knowing his intentions?

Harleen is portrayed as a desperate, single young woman who is waiting for her knight to sweep her off her feet and take her to expensive foreign locations. But the level of naïveté is not only nauseating, it also tells girls that it is good to pause your life for someone else to fulfill your dreams, and if the bloke is a good looking one, look no further! She is from the crop of girls who went Awww! on seeing Ajmal Kasab’s grainy picture in the papers and thought that his death was a waste of cuteness, not paying attention to the fact that he would have wiped off their entire family tree if given a chance. (True story)

I know Hrithik’s Rajveer looks so devastatingly good that he could club a baby seal in Shimla’s alabaster snow or star in a crush porn video and still be desirable. On that note, DO NOT Google crush porn unless you want to forego your appetite and your faith in humanity. But the guy drugs her, takes her to unknown places, changes her clothes, lies to her and throws her off high ledges, without even so much as a ‘May I?’ And all Harleen does is gawk at his bare body like it’s the key to solving world hunger.

On the other hand, when the creepy new VP of the bank hits on her upfront like most self respecting hot blooded Indian males do, she runs away like Siddharth Anand runs away from good sense. Why? Because he wears uncleji clothes that don’t have a gazillion abs underneath? Right then.

Hrithik Roshan is not to blame in this mess. It’s not really his fault if the poor guy has to play Krrish in every movie that he stars in. He can jump off cliffs blindly and we have to believe that he landed safely, because ‘Hum Sab Main Krrish Hai’. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. deploying flares in every movie, be it Due Date or The Judge, just because he is Iron Man. Rajveer can also be forgiven for tossing the Kohinoor diamond around like it’s totally not one of the most precious things in the world, for we can never know the ways of superheroes. Seriously Hrithik, some men in India treat their Kohinoor condoms better than you treat the *actual* Kohinoor. Just saying.

Aaaaanyway, Harleen spends all of this time waking up in strange places, getting dressed up in the latest designer togs, and wait for it- dreaming of a romantic song in Santorini when she already on a free trip to blessed Prague. Gold digging 101. When she gets time off from taking in the gorgeous locales of Hrithik’s torso, she mouths lines like ‘Tum kaun ho, kya karte ho’ at least thrice, while making no attempt to get away from the man that she knows zilch about.

But the biggest throw-your-popcorn-and-coke-at-the-screen annoyance comes during the climax, when Harleen tipsily seeks validation from Rajveer while under the influence of the truth serum. Which Danny has already said causes no other effect than speaking the truth. While he is trying to save their lives from bad guys and complete a mission of national importance, no less. She whines on and on about how she is unattractive and boring and that’s why Rajveer didn’t pull a move on her, all while they’re being chased by gun toting henchmen. Even when she finally picks up a gun and fires (I’m sure the director went- ‘Ye to money shot hai boss!’ for the scene), it is after Rajveer reassures her of being sexy and desirable and….. *snore*

I’m no feminazi, but seeing a character with such dire need of outside validation and a ‘princess stuck in a tower waiting to be rescued’ attitude is just shunting us right back to the Dark Ages. And Harleen’s fixation with Rajveer’s looks and daredevilry is the final nail in the coffin of the good guys trying to claim some girls back from the bad boys. This character effectively nullifies all the attempts in recent times, however modest, to bring female characters in the forefront on screen. God forbid if girls dream of being Harleen, the way every girl mouthed ‘Main apni favorite hoon!’ after Jab We Met released.

It’s not like such girls don’t have happy lives, but I would have liked more of a badass female character in mainstream cinema, not one who is a certified parasite for her happiness. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m mistaken to expect such things from a director who names the house in the movie ‘Ghar’. Just one final question to Siddharth Anand and Katrina. Does Harmless Harleen’s  happy ending include a dog named ‘Kutta’ and a cute baby called ‘Baccha’? 

How Candy Crush sweetened my life

Before we dive into this candy flavored article with the punny title, let’s take a minute to ponder over the writer’s bravery in attempting to write this piece of junk literature. I mean, sure, I’ll be called a witch and persecuted for advocating something as evil as Candy Crush- just like in the golden old days. I’ll probably have to change my address and live under a fake identity for life, but what is a blogger if not courageous? So without worrying about my life or property (Edit: I have no property to call my own), I will submit my argument about the ways in which the most frustrating game we smartphone junkies have ever seen has guided me.

1. You can’t choose what cards you get handed out

In this case, the candies that you get to crush. Every Candy Crush game gives you a random arrangement of candies which you have no control over, and you just have to make the best moves you can to get on top of the game. Swap ‘Game’ with ‘Life’ and you have no better metaphor for doing the best you can with what you have.

2. Scores are important, but so is achievement

You know how the game has not one, but TWO goals- get a high score and also achieve the target? Even if you achieve a three star score but fail to do what the level asks you to do, Candy Crush throws a hissy fit and refuse to let you go any further. In real life too, it’s not only about the zeroes in your paycheck, but also about the goals you set for yourself and whether or not you achieve them. And you need to be quite the multitasker if you want to keep standing on these two boats and not drown.

3. Praise is the sweetest pill

You might think that we as a species have advanced enough not to need encouragement from a fake, coded game, but you’re mistaken. Hordes of people would have left the game if it weren’t for the periodic ‘Sweet!’, or ‘Divine!’ or ‘Delicious!’ that it keeps tossing our way (Calm down Candy Crush!) As they say ‘If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it still make a sound?’, would you still go on working if no one was there to appreciate it? So whenever someone around you explodes more candy than you expect them to, praise them. It’ll go a long way.

4. Failure is imminent

Unless you’re a wonder kid whose mother has been giving you Candy Crush lessons since you were in the womb (a not so subtle reference to Abhimanyu and the Chakravyuh), there is no way that you haven’t failed at some level in the game, sometimes miserably so. You might try every move in the book but still end up with one pesky jelly square that spells your doom. That’s just preparation for real life. You might do everything right, but still end up some moves short of your happy ending. Fret not, the beauty of the game (life, not Candy Crush) is that you can start all over again.

5. Being on the bench for a while is good

Just when you think you’ve gotten the hang of the game, and are bursting with ambition to conquer those colourful pixels, your five lives die out on you and give you a timeout, postponing your victory by 30 minutes. Instead of counting down the minutes, take a step back, and get your head out of the game for a while. Look around, introspect, and think about what you could have done better. It might delay the sweet taste of success, but it will make it sweeter than the candy you’re trying to explode.

6. You can either choose the easy way, or the right way

Candy Crush is as shamelessly commercial as it is addictive, selling you extra moves or tricks, all at an additional price of course. Gamers (?) who have too much money to spare on virtual candy buy these moves to reach the next level. There will always be people who take shortcuts in real life too, buying or manipulating their way to the top, leaving you to struggle with your honest, hardworking ways. But trust me, the sense of achievement and independence that you get from doing things without a leg up (or without spending Rs. 110 on a candy smashing hammer) cannot be bought. For everything else, there’s Mastercard.

7. Blackmail is real

At some point, you’re merrily doing your thing in the Candy Crush Dreamworld, sure that you’ll come out on top of the level, when the useless Odus decides to fall down and kill you! Or consider the frustrating time bombs that go off after Level 100, who make you sacrifice precious moves to keep them from going off. WHY GOD WHY?! Again- lesson for life. There will always be unavoidable bum-cavities (keeping it PG-13) who will stand in your way for no reason other than for the pure joy for it. The only thing you can do is up your game, render them helpless and watch them feel fail as you emerge victorious in your battle against…well, candy. Take that, Odus you stupid owl with gravity issues!

8. Most people are not concerned about your troubles

Most of us love to gloat about the number of friends and well wishers we have, safe under the illusion of a large support system. But when the time comes and it’s a question of your life and death (not being dramatic, just talking about the game), you’re met with responses like ‘The next person to invite me to Candy Crush will be BLOCKED!’ Try this in real life too. When the going is good, your life’s news feed will be full of friends happy to bask in your success. But you truly need help to level up in life; the metaphoric door will be shut in your face so fast that you wouldn’t know what hit you. And on your side of the door, you’ll find only a couple of friends who have your back. And guess what? That’s always enough.

9. ‘Support’ is not a bad word

Though it’s shameful to admit, I’ve been stuck on a certain level for many days, giving up tens of lives with nothing to show for it. It was then that Candy Crush reduced the target score, helping me to finally heave myself out of that horrid level which very nearly gave me Candy Crush PTSD. Never did I think that I would feel slighted by a game’s offer of help, but this is what we do in real life too. We think ourselves so invincible, that any gesture of help or kindness is seen as a crutch, and is rejected faster than you can say ‘Chocolate Mountains’. But taking that helping hand is better than staying in a chasm of failure alone, so next time someone offers it to you, take it. And don’t forget to return the favour.

10. Life has a way of sorting itself out

While playing Candy Crush initially, I used to give up when I couldn’t find my groove in the first few moves, and just go through the moves to end the life. But sometimes, there comes across a combination that saves your game, and you stare at the screen incredulously as the candy puzzle rights itself and bursts away to glory. Hell, there have been times when I have made a wrong swipe which turned out to be for the best, and everything came cascading down (which is a good thing). So don’t worry yourself over making the right moves all the time. You never know when you might come across a masterstroke that sets everything right.

I know it might seem a little pretentious to peg so many metaphors and life lessons to a simple finger-swiping game, but these are real thoughts I have had while playing it, which I confessed at the risk of being branded a naïve person with too much time on her hands. I guess all I’m trying to say is; if I send you a Candy Crush saga request, don’t block me, OK? It's for your own good.