THE BEDSIDE CONFESSIONS OF A SICK MIND

Welcome. Now that I have reeled you in with the suggestive title, may I also suggest that if you’re expecting something akin to 50 Shades of Grey (Excuse me while I go throw up in my mouth), you are going to be disappointed. I’m talking about real physical sickness, the kind that makes you want to talk to God about returning the faulty body that he stuck you with.

Well, I was down with a bout of sickness this past week. CALM DOWN PEOPLE I’M FINE NOW, THANK YOU! And while I have not completely recovered, I have still gathered the courage to pass on the knowledge that I gleaned while I was glued to the bed by the fact that I couldn’t do anything else. Being sick meant that sitting up, carrying a laptop and nearly dropping it (Laptop: 1, Weakling Anuja: 0) was double the trouble but I had to get it out of my system. My last post was about ‘Things I learned at the beach’, and while this is way uglier, it is just as enlightening. (Aren’t I learning a little too much? Wasn’t I supposed to be done with it by now?)

P.S. - I hope the chaatwala who caused all this comes down with cholera during a worldwide doctors’ strike. I’m just kidding. Or am I?

Anyway, onwards to the enlightenment bit.

P.S.2 - Sadly there are no images to go with this post because real pictures of me being sick are horrible enough to be NSFW and Google didn't throw up any exciting images.

1. Falling sick is boring.

When we were kids, I thought being sick was really cool because you didn’t have to go to school and your parents rushed to you with every whine and whimper of yours, making you feel very important. As is with everything, adulthood takes the fun out of even being sick. You have nothing to do all day except lie on a bed, count the lines on the ceiling, or look out the window philosophically as everybody else goes about your business, making you feel like an outcast. You can try reading books (too heavy) or playing with your cell phone, but that gets quite boring when you have all your waking hours to kill. And no, getting up to watch TV is too much effort to even consider. They should seriously think about creating games, novels and other ideas JUST for sick, temporarily immobile people.

2. The human body is gross.

Yes, I said it. Our bodies are gross. Even on normal days, the amount of weird stuff that your body does is astounding (stomach growling like Richard Parker during meetings, sudden coughing/ hiccuping fits when you’re laughing). That is nothing compared to when your body decides it has had enough of your shit (literally and figuratively) and decides to unleash its goopy, slimy, horrific arsenal on you. You have no way of dealing with the gross things that come out of your body in all forms, and are left marveling at the truly horrible things that your body is capable of.

  3. The little things stop mattering.

When your body is going all Avengers on you (Hulk SMASH!), there is no time or energy, or the slightest interest in the things that matter SO MUCH to you otherwise. How do I look? How do I smell? (Answer to both: Hideous) Why hasn’t the cute guy/ girl texted me back? Did my last Facebook profile photo get enough likes or do I need to change it? Seriously, nothing else matters when you’re trying to survive till your next dose of antibiotics. I was one of the fortunate ones who did not have a mirror in the room in which I was held captive by my body, but whenever people saw me, their reaction told me that I looked like a bad extra from The Walking Dead. How I wish I had enough energy to give a damn. So go right ahead and toss that BMC water powered pani puri, it will give you some perspective.

4. You will NEVER have as much energy as your parents

Let’s accept it, Mohnish Behl is the patron saint of truth. After spouting infinite knowledge like ‘ Ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte’, he also became the driving force behind the song of eternal truth-‘Ye to sach hai ke bhagwaan hai, hai magar fir bhi anjaan hai! Dharti pe roop maa-baap ka, us vidhaata ki pehchaan hai!’ (Don’t judge me for knowing the lyrics)

If there’s one thing my bout of illness taught me, is that I will never be able to match up to the sheer energy and level of work that my parents are capable of. Seriously, it’s like they’re a blur of activity. From staying up late at night, to feeding you what you’re capable of eating, to keeping track of your medicines. Add to that the constant swinging between yelling at you (How many times do I have to tell you not to eat dirty food?) and saying words of encouragement when you look really sick or ready to give in to the creepy crawlies in your system, regardless of the fact that you barely look like the progeny they bore.

BONUS! : My parents are doctors, so while other people get to hear ‘You will fall seriously ill’, I get to hear stuff like ‘You will get epi-gastric Wingardium Leviosa Expecto Patronumitis!’ (at least it sounds like that) that gets me scared for my survival. Anyway, free anatomy lesson aside, I genuinely don’t know how all parents do so much to take care of their foolishly sick kids. Thank you mommy for kissing my Ouchie better!

5. Music really makes you feel better

I read on Uberfacts that music helps reduce the pain and makes us feel better faster. I decided to experiment and listened to music throughout my time in the (Not Red) Room of Pain. And you know what? It did help. The opening lines of your favourite song help you forget your misery for a while, and when your music player suddenly shuffles to a long loved and lost song, it feels like a little gift from the Universe which tells you that it doesn’t hate you, atleast not too much. So next time you’re nailed to the bed, whip out your go-to playlist and listen away.

Pro tip- I won’t judge you about your choice of songs, but don’t listen to songs like ‘Patakha Guddi’ or ‘This place about to Blow’ or the new song on the block- Let it Go (Frozen) when you have an upset stomach. The cheesy ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ might make you feel good about yourself, even if your body currently resembles a House of Horrors.

6. Your body is AWESOME!

No, I’m not bipolar. I know I said that bodies are gross, but they’re also strong and resilient and surprisingly good at bouncing back. With the help of a few pills, your body forms a sort of Justice League against the bad guys in your system and kicks their ass. You do become a battered battleground in the process, but it’s really great to see your body come out on top of the disease after a gruesome fight. It makes you respect the ONLY body you’ve got, and you’re humbled by the fact that your body can easily defeat your ego if you push it too much. And you decide to treat it right in the future. Or at least till the next time someone challenges you to a pani puri eating contest. (I know I’m phobic now. Is there a word for Roadside Chat Phobia?)

7. The up side- You can pamper yourself without feeling guilty

When I heard the line ‘I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight’ in The Devil Wears Prada, I had found it really clever. But IRL, it’s much more fun to pamper your body than to starve it and beat it in to the (supposedly) perfect shape. And after you have recovered enough to get up and do stuff, you can eat, drink, sleep all you want without your inner conscience beeping constantly. Want to eat a whole bowl of ice cream? Make  a puppy face at your mom. Want to sleep late? Awww, let her sleep, the poor baby looks so tired! Want to get a manicure/ pedicure/ massage? You deserve it after that nasty week of being sick.

I’m not saying that you need to screw your system to get all the benefits of finally being healthy, but it does give a chance to sit (or sleep) back and realize the importance of all the things that you take for granted in daily life. Being sick tells you to be afraid enough of your body not to push it to limits where it can strike back. It also gives you some battle scars so that you remember the lessons learnt, and be proud of yourself for fighting back and getting up on your feet. It shows you that even though you say ‘I Love You’ to your parents every day (or not), they’re the ones who live those words and make them ring true.

Oh God, I’m getting sentimental. Must be the damned antibiotics.