Why human beings are twat waffles

There, I said it. I have believed this for the longest time now, and the whole of mankind has been ‘kind’ enough to prove my theory right. You may argue that we have the best working brains, the gift of language and invention and the highest level of self awareness among all ‘creatures’ which should relieve us of the ignominy of a ‘twat waffle’ tag.

Sadly, you would be wrong (as humans are wont to be about most things). The fact remains that for all our wonderful inventions, the beauty of arts, music and architecture, our social construct, space travel and other achievements (Hurray.), we are the worst things to have ever walked this planet. And that includes a fictional Indominus Rex.

So much so, that if I were a chimp and some scientist came up to me and said, undoubtedly thinking that it’s a compliment, that I have near-human intelligence, I would fling my choicest poo at him and screech at him to stop insulting me and GTFO of my enclosure.

And no, I’m not reserving the Twat Waffle (henceforth known as Twaffle) tag to sundry horrible humans who grope ladies in the bus, or turn without an indicator, or occupy free government bungalows under the pretext of working for the nation. I’m saying it for the entire species.

Why. So. Serious? Because despite our tall claims about intelligence, all we are is a bunch of copy cats and robots, incapable of thinking for ourselves. We take the ‘knowledge’ that somebody preached ages ago and run with it, without using our brains to think if it’s right or wrong.

Take a look at any newspaper or honest website and you will find proof that what I’m saying is true.

Today, there are only 4 Northern white rhinos left in the world. Why? Because some Twaffle ages ago said that a rhino horn has medicinal properties. I don’t blame him, I blame the bastards who are killing the rhino to extinction without knowing that a rhino horn is made of the same material as your hair, keratin. Pull out your hair and eat it, you morons.

Or take the asshole, who ages ago, instead of confessing to his wife that he couldn’t get it up, claimed that a tiger penis is the remedy for sexual problems. I would have stoned the man to death on account of insanity, but no, poachers hunt tigers for their body parts even today, when a simple Google search will prove the impotent a*hole wrong.

And why waste the rest of the tiger? Its bones are supposed to cure many orthopedic diseases, among other things. Never mind that taking an inexpensive calcium supplement will do the same job. Or the fact that the tiger needs its bones more than you need your mobility.

Have you heard of shark fin soup? It’s supposed to be a delicacy, though which twisted, sadist creep came up with the idea of chopping off just a shark’s fin, leaving it to drown and die in the ocean so that we humans can enjoy a bowl of slimy soup is beyond me. And according to some reports, it doesn’t even taste that good! So why do people have it? As a status symbol, of course! Millions of sharks are caught, separated from their fins and then thrown back in the sea to die. Imagine someone cutting off your legs just because they like your pants and leaving you to bleed out in the street. Imagine millions of such people crawling through the streets helplessly. Too bad this scenario would be too gruesome for our advanced brains to bear.

Recently there was good news about the Gadhimai festival in Nepal being cancelled indefinitely. While I was happily reading the news, a piece of history caught my eye. The origin story of the festival says that the founder of the Gadhimai Temple had a dream that the Goddess asked for a human sacrifice in exchange of freeing him from prison and after he sacrificed an animal instead, they have been butchering millions of animals every five years to keep up the tradition. No offence, but HOW CAN YOU SLAUGHTER SO MANY ANIMALS BASED ON ONE PERSON’S DREAM? THAT TOO A PERSON WHO WENT TO PRISON, FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT! Martin Luther King saw a dream, he was assassinated. The Gadhimai founder saw a dream; scores of animals are cruelly killed. Dreams are dangerous weapons in the hands of humans.

More craziness? I want to meet the first guy who looked at a majestic tusker and thought, ”This elephant’s tusks will look better as an ornament in my house than on the body of a living animal.” Cue to 2015, and we are still poaching 96 elephants a day in Africa, which means 1 elephant is killed for its tusks every FIFTEEN MINUTES. In this day and age of 3D printing and discovering new materials every day, can’t we make a decision to stop decorating our homes with ivory from a violently killed wild animal? If we value intelligence so much, why can’t we appreciate elephants for their proven intelligence and leave them the hell alone?

Hunting is another ‘sport’ that takes us right into the celestial realms of twat wafflery. How is killing a defenseless animal with firepower (or a crossbow in the case of the ultimate douchebag Walter Palmer) a sign of courage? Yes our ancestors hunted for sport but that was when the Earth was teeming with wild animals! Why can’t we break the trend and refuse to kill animals for sport? Go shoot some terrorists on your PlayStation if you’re feeling low on testosterone, man.

I know I’ve sounded like a crazy armchair animal activist till now, but photojournalist Adrian Steirn (who you should totally follow on Instagram) says the most beautiful thing – "What we do to the animals, we do to ourselves". Aren’t we slaughtering our own kind like animals too?

A God man tells you to sacrifice another human being to earn money and you happily kill an unsuspecting neighbor, without stopping to consider if there’s a relation between spilling someone’s blood and gold coins raining down on you.

Loss in business?  Wife not happy with you? Rape your daughter and solicit her out to other people, you will prosper. Even ‘lesser’ animals risk their lives to protect their young ones, and this is what we smart, social animals do? Scar the little girl who you are supposed to protect against the big, bad world?

Some senile villager claims that women should dress, act and marry in a certain manner and we start collecting kerosene and matches in the wholesale market, ready to burn girls at the slightest provocation. Not before raping them to teach them a last lesson, duh!

Ages ago, someone thought up that girls should bring dowry to their husband’s home while getting married and paved the way for greedy no-gooders everywhere to pilfer millions from the girl’s father’s account without lifting a finger. Unless it is to slap the poor wife around if she doesn’t stuff your insatiable throat fast enough. Someone please explain this to me.

A dialogue writer wrote ‘Diamonds are a girl’s best friend’ and off we suckers go to prove our love with solitaires. Is your love so weak that it needs to be cemented by a commercialized gesture which stands on the legs of genocide, blood diamonds and artificial scarcity? Being romantic and being blind to the facts of the world are too very different things. Personally, I’ll pledge my love to a person who proposes with girl’s real best friend, a dog. Be original and get a (love) life people.

A person, however learned, forms a religion millennia ago and his supposed followers preach that theirs is the only true religion (or sub sect of it) and the rest of them are a threat, and off people go killing each other and blowing themselves up in the hope of getting laid at least in heaven. Obviously you nitwits, if you spend all your youth in terrorist training camps and bunkers in the desert, the only time you’ll get a woman in your arms is in heaven.

Speaking of heaven, it’s about time we saw some definitive proof of this coveted location existing anywhere in the known or unknown Universe. Billions of people have died on our Earth till now and not ONE of them has evidence that Heaven exists, or if it has reserved plots for different souls based on the religion that you followed. Without a shred of proof of Heaven, people kill and commit unspeakable horrors just to reserve a place in La La Land, against all proven and basic logic that harming another human being is bad.

 I won’t ask for proof of hell because I see it everywhere I turn my eyes and we definitely don’t need to waste any more square footage on constructing another one with the latest hot oil cauldrons and pitch fork closets. We can of course threaten homosexuals with eternal damnation and ensure that hordes of them commit suicide out of hopelessness rather than sully our pious ways with their gayness.

This is not even the end of the twat wafflery of humans, and it won’t be till we do something about it. I’m not naïve, but neither am I cynical. I know there is goodness, hope and beauty in this world, but right now I’m just too angry to see any of it. All I can see is a dead Cecil, terrorist attacks, beheadings and dowry deaths. As they say, never underestimate the stupidity of humans in a large crowd. And this is precisely what we are. A nameless, directionless, faceless crowd looking for guidance from either redundant rules written thousands of years ago, or Instagram posts written by a bored pimply copywriter on a deadline.

There is a truth above all of this, and it is our own personal Truth. It doesn’t yell from the rooftops, neither does it seek validation from a fellow human being. All it does is keep your moral compass pointed due North, needing no priest or policeman to tell you what’s right and wrong. The truth is different for every human being, but that’s the beauty of it. And unless you’re a psychopath, your Truth will be the voice in your head shaking off the shackles of evil and taking you to the good. You don't have a mind just to play mind games with the cute girl who gave you her number and your gut isn't a thing to decorate with layers of fat from your junk food outings. Give them the credit they deserve and use them just for yourself once, and see your twafflery meter go down.

I admit that this truth has lost its voice for most people in the scream of sirens and paid television news.  So sit down, calm yourself, and reconnect with this truth inside you. It will whisper to you at first, but given time, it will turn into a squeak and then a roar so loud that you will need no outside crutches to be a good human being in the truest sense, instead of the ‘twat waffle masquerading as a human’ that most of us currently are. Maybe then the monkeys will stop flinging their poo at us.