My Problem With Non-Vegetarians: Reloaded

A few days ago, I wrote a blog post on ‘My Problem with Non-Vegetarians’, listing down my experiences with well meaning but ignorant meat-eaters. Though it was supposed to a tongue in cheek take, it seems to have ignited some passions, with me being subjected to vehement arguments and suggestions from both sides of the border. I crouched down in my No-Meat’s Land till these winds blew over and thought a little more. Obviously, since it was Eid time, nobody would have read my blog through the food coma induced by biryani.

But now that Shravan is upon us and the goats and chicken live to see another day, I hereby launch into Part 2 of my blog with all the passion and hot bloodedness that a grass eater can summon.

1. Eat the gravy and leave the pieces, the gravy is vegetarian!

I regret starting off with this point because I’m rendered speechless whenever this is said. Again, I know that you are very magnanimously offering me a tourist visa into the pleasures of non vegetarian food by passing me the gravy, which essentially is just spices, vegetables and nuts, but how can you not realize that the chicken’s blood, sweat, tears and other ummm…bodily fluids are floating in it too?! I too have heard stories about chefs sneaking chicken stock into vegetable gravies to make them tastier, but I prefer to operate under ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ and eat anything marked with a green dot in peace.

2. Vegetarian is slang for people who couldn't hunt. (Har, har!)

The text in the image manages to crack up non vegetarians every time for some strange reason. They may be also the people responsible for making Grand Masti enter the 100 crore club. I wouldn’t know. Somehow it seems to suggest that vegetarians lack the killer instinct that people who chomp down on meat seem to have in abundance. I for one agree completely. Buying an already lifeless and cleaned chicken from the butcher, squeamishly asking your maid to clean its dirty bits, chopping it into oblivion and cooking it seems like the job for a true hunter. But the true rulers of the food chain just stealthily stalk their prey in the food court, and pounce on the nearest bucket of chicken wings KFC has to offer. Impressive.

3. You are missing out on the good stuff!

Again, these are members of the well meaning FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) tribe who don’t want you to go through life without tasting the good things on the meaty side of life. Topmost among this is bacon, aka Little Crispy Strips of Salted and Smoked Nirvana. Featuring in this list are also butter chicken, garlic crab and oysters, among other delights. Thank you for your concern, but I honestly like the food that I eat, even down to steamed vegetables and sprouts (Good Girl!) and look forward to a lifetime of eating it, without looking at you with envy. So unless you’re eating sashimi off Scarlett Johansson’s bare…back, don’t even try to hint at me missing out on something desirable.

4. If you like animals, why do you eat all their food? (Har, har returns)

Sigh. The Circle of Life is such that one organism has to die to feed an entity higher in the food chain (again, pay attention in school, people!). There is enough fodder to feed all leaf eaters, and having a conscience doesn’t mean you go hungry. That is why I have no problems with people eating animals, with notable exceptions. My reliable sources tell me that people who eat live animals, shark fin soup, beating cobra hearts and Balut (Google it if you have the stomach for it) have a one way ticket to the pits of Hell. VIP members like Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern have a Presidential Suite booked in the Seventh Circle of Hell. But I digress. Vegetarians eat plants, which are supposedly cattle fodder, but the premise that a goat will starve because I ate an extra portion of salad is ridiculous. Then again, it can look for greener pastures if I steal its food, something it can’t do if you chop off its head for your dinner.

5. If you are so peaceful, why do you murder plants and eat them?

We all know the age old experiment by Jagadish Chandra Bose that established the fact that plants feel pain and other emotions. So the natural question is, Do I hear my vegetables and sprouts screaming when I put them in the kadhai? No, I don’t. Apart from the fact that these conclusions are now under the scanner, the issue is not about killing your food, it is about how you treat it when it’s alive. My food grows up in the open air, looking at sunrises and sunsets and feeling the wind blow in open fields, before fulfilling its duty as my energy giving life source. Yours sits in a cramped cage with minimum food, waiting for its violent death. Which sounds better? So ask yourself this- Why did Yash Chopra shoot his romantic songs in mustard and wheat fields, and not in a poultry farm? End of discussion.

6. I will sneak some chicken into your food, you won’t even realize it.

I get it. You think that once my Vegetarian V-card is taken away by this sneaky act of yours, I will be more open to sharing a kebab platter with you. But sorry, I don’t take this suggestion (read: threat) as a mark of your friendship. In fact, you might even be related to the sociopaths who slip date rape drugs to women because they don’t understand the concept of consent. So sorry to disappoint you, but no actually means NO. *takes plate to the washroom just so that it is not left unattended*

7. If you were marooned on an island, will you eat meat to survive?

The honest answer is no, I do not plan to hitch a ride with Tom Hanks or the guys from LOST, so I won’t be marooned on an island. I know this is a question designed to know the limits to which I will guard my commitment to vegetarianism, but I think fine dining will be the least of my concerns if I end up crashed on an island. I’m sure there will be lots of edible plants and tubers that will sustain me till my concerned parents send a search party, so I should be able to manage pretty well without blemishing my Green badge, thank you very much.

8. Are you going to raise your kids as vegetarian?

This question actually made me snort and pull an amused face. Is the discussion about food so important that you drag my unborn children into this? Let’s just keep this discourse between you and me, and leave out the kids who are currently snoozing in some corner of my torso, unaware of the absurdity that Mommy has to go through. Obviously, my kids will eat what I eat, till they are old enough to decide on their own preferences, but I would rather you not hatch a diet plan for them before they are well…hatched.

P.S.- If I had the desire or ability to make decisions for my offspring, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing a blog. I would be out getting me some babies to raise.

9. I am a vegetarian, I just eat chicken sometimes.

*straight face* People who make statements like these are the bisexuals of the culinary world (no offence), who bat for both teams as and when it suits them. They support and advocate vegetarianism vehemently with you, all the while sneaking chicken from the carnivore’s plate, just because they officially identify themselves as vegetarians. Darlings, the beauty of the English language is that there are different words for people who eat different kinds of meat, precisely so that switch-hitters like you don’t hijack our terms. A chicken or fish eater calling themselves vegetarian is just as ironic as, as Sajid Khan memorably said during a college fest, a Miss India calling herself a virgin.

So these are the (non-chicken) nuggets that I have gleaned in My Life as a Vegetarian. If you have more to add, please feel free to do so, but keep in mind that all of this is in jest. I don’t think what you consume is as important as what you create, so don’t war with people based on what’s on their plate, but what's in their heart. 

P.S.2- If I get hungry when I’m on that island you marooned me on, I’ll catch and eat whoever runs slower- the wild rabbit/deer/boar, or YOU. My bet’s on the rabbit, so start running.