Now you might have read articles like ’13.8 questions vegetarians are tired of answering’ so you may want to skip this one. But those were utterances of people who tried and rejected carnivorous behavior, so I don’t accept them as true vegetarians.
Me? I’ve been a vegetarian since before I grew any form of teeth, and still am even after growing a decent number of wisdom teeth. Hence I have been fully trained in the art of Man Vs. Ghaas Poos, which makes me an elite commando of vegetarianism, a Green Leafy Navy Seal of sorts.
So these are some of the green peas of wisdom that have been uttered in my presence throughout the years of my peanance (Hehe). Please avoid them the next time you see an herbivore grazing on some Paneer Palak. You have been warned.
This is usually accompanied by a pseudo pious look, which people usually reserve for times when the camera is pointed at them at a satsang. Yes I’m borderline religious, but my pet pooja has nothing to do with the other type of pooja that promises a one way ticket to heaven. I do not believe that eating dead animals cancels your subscription to God’s Very Own Reality Show in The Clouds. If that were the case, tigers, lions and our very own cats would be non-sun tanning in Hell right now. And I refuse to believe in an idea of Heaven without kitties of any kind.
This again is accompanied by a stymied look, as if I have done something unfathomable like willingly choosing to do a Sajid Khan movie marathon. Honestly, I’ve never felt the need or want to try eating chicken or any of the other temptations the animal kingdom has to offer. I’m happy with eating vegetables, sprouts or chewy tasteless paneer and haven’t faced a problem sustaining myself on it till now. I have been raised a vegetarian, and even after I was sufficiently raised, I chose to keep it that way. That’s all there is to it, really. *unpauses Humshakals*
3. Ummm, are you NEVER tempted to try chicken? Look at how delicious it looks!
Firstly, no, the artificially coloured bright orange Chicken Lollipop doesn’t look droolworthy in the least to me. Secondly, it’s not like I have a ‘Vegetarian Anklet’ that tases me every time I think of eating meat to keep me from tarnishing my ‘purity’. If I felt like eating chicken, I would rush to the nearest KFC and scarf down their entire bucket of Hot Wings before you can say Kentucky Fried Chicken. The only problem is I have no inclination or curiosity to cross over to the dark (meat) side and taste the supposedly orgasmic charms of battered and fried fowl. Imagine if someone shoves a barbequed cat or guinea pig (it’s a thing) in your face, wheedling you to try it. You’d rather throw up than eat Mr. Tickles off a skewer. It’s the same logic, I just don’t see your Butter Chicken as food. No offence.
This question is so fake that even KFC’s chicken looks original in front of it. Would you seriously give up your plans of finishing off a whole biryani if I took offence to you eating meat at the same table? The answer is a definite No. So please don’t show fake sensitivity for my wants and order what you want. With most of the people I dine with being meat eaters, I have developed a strange immunity to the sounds of chicken bones being chewed or sucked to get at the mystery manna that is inside. My eyes sort of glaze over and I focus on the paneer and aloo on my plate. I’ve even learnt to watch with fascination when crabs are mutilated to fish out honestly tiny bits of meat that look so… dissatisfying.
P.S.- Have you ever thought that if an animal has such a hard shell covering it, maybe it really, really doesn’t want to be eaten and should be left alone?
5. You will never go to Mohammed Ali Road, right?
Hearing this question was like a history lesson. I imagined myself standing outside Mohammed Ali Road like an Indian in front of a British era club, with a sign ‘Dogs and Vegetarians not allowed’. What is this discrimination? I know there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me to eat in Mohammed Ali road during Ramadan but that doesn’t mean I can’t check out what the fuss is all about. How do I know this? Because I’m a person open to new experiences and have actually been there, even with the surefire promise of starvation. And the least I could say that it was interesting. The alien sights and smells did stun me for a while, but I watched quite enthusiastically as people ate kebabs by the dozen. That is until I stared at a small grey brain swimming in gravy and saw it being squished in slow motion by a roti. Chachaji bill please!
6. How can you eat mushrooms? It tastes so similar to non-veg food!
Yes, I have met people who think that since I like mushrooms, I will surely take to meat like a fish to gravy. Or who think that since I like mushrooms, I must not be a very devout vegetarian. To these people, I would like to say just one thing- I hope you had paid attention in your school Biology lectures even in classes that didn’t focus on the reproductive system. You would have known that mushrooms, however delicious, are fungi, several species away from livestock.
That was quite a long read wasn’t it? So much talk about food without eating any has to be difficult for both me and the readers. So I’m taking a break and will be back with a Part 2 of this diatribe soon (Of course I have more to say, you think my veggie tirade had just 6 courses?) Till then, you’re welcome to drop all sorts of savoury and unsavoury comments about this one.
